"Moral support is the support of a lazy person." - Andrew Day.
I never know what to write when I start up one of these. I guess I should start by pointing out it's been a little over an entire year since my last post. Funny to think something I was so devoted to 6 years ago might now end up being an annual thing. I feel like I'll pick it up again but this blog has been a fleeting thought for so many years that I'd have to go out of my way to even remember this thing being here, let alone post anything on it.
I've read a few of my past posts and can name plenty of things that have changed, small things like; who I work with now as opposed to who I was working with then, and big things like the fact that Dante is 30 and Andy is 17, and how distant I've grown to people who I simply no longer care about and the effort I go through to not care about things or people. It's hard to comprehend how black and white the me now and the me 6 years ago are and it's becoming more and more apparent that this is the way things will be for a very long time, at least until everything is sorted, God knows when that'll be.
"I look after those who look after me." - Andrew Day.
You remember those days when you got excited when your phone rang or buzzed? or when a person you held in high regard pulled you aside to have a friendly word with you? or when you caught a glimpse of the person you would like to spend your entire life with and he/she would catch one of you in return; there wasn't any awkwardness behind that moment and it wasn't spoken about again despite the significance that instant contained, because I do and man, do I miss it. It wasn't as if I didn't do all the things I wanted to do, even in retrospect, I wouldn't change a single thing I did those days. It's just that to me, there wasn't enough time to fully appreciate what we had in terms of responsibility (or lack thereof) and it always seemed strange to me that there was this facade when it came to adults and what they incorporated into their being. The life I'm living now is pretty much how I pictured it would be when they were rambling about exactly how much bigger is the "bigger picture" is, and I suppose it was because they expected more of us; from me. They never thought there would be people who would strive for mediocrity and prefer a life where you could hear a feather touch the ground and any given moment, and I also suppose that had I aimed for greater heights, I would get a better idea of the "bigger picture" but I didn't, and I don't know if it's because I'm not capable; I feel like I am but that doesn't mean squat unless I actually tried, but the idea of trying terrifies me to a degree where I think it's better to stay where you know, where you're familiar, where you have control, and when I think about that, I wonder if this is what the teachers wanted for us. I see more reason in not striving for a life of happiness, rather in striving for a life where you're not sad, and I often wonder if this is wrong. I don't think any of us really grew up, we just weren't allowed to be kids anymore.
Hey there, Kevin. It's been a while. I'd apologize for the lack of content but you and I both know I'd be lying. I honestly don't know why I decided to post this but there must've been some significance if my gut was telling me to follow through and now here I am. On a blog that no one visits anymore with more on my mind than ever now that I've have something to dabble on with. I haven't been fired and Mumsies is going on that holiday we've been hoping for on the 25th for 4 weeks. We're excited for her excitement, as we should be. She gave us everything we own and then some, we aren't the piece of shit we could've been due to her efforts and I'm still making sure to put her happiness before my own because you're a dead set good cunt like that. I hope when you read this in the distant future that you've done everything you possibly could. You got a lot to make up for: your teenage angst, your pre-pubescent lying and all the money you wasted on stupid shit like hanging out with your friends, buying alcohol and weed to fit in with people who don't matter and the days you spent happy while she wasn't. I have this image of you that I hope becomes reality and pray you don't change your state of mind no matter what bullshit comes flying your way. Hang in there, and power on you proud asshole.
"I fucked up over the weekend, Kevy" - Ryan Henderson, as he proceeded to tell me what he did last night.
The guy came back from a night of hard partying and harder drugs came home and physically abused his younger brother in some drug-induced, irrational rage. He feels terrible for it but that didn't stop me from reminding him how much of a piece of shit he is for doing it though, but to be honest, maybe calling him "the scum of mankind" every 20 minutes for 8 hours is going a little overboard but if there's one thing I discovered; it's that instead of tattering between the lines of under and overboard, it's easier to take the jump and see exactly where that line is. Go over the line once and you'll never have to do it again, provided you don't want to.
I don't even know why he even told me. I mean yeah, I'm 2IC ("second in charge" for morons like me who only found out like 3 hours ago) but that doesn't mean that he has confide his personal feelings/problems to me. He doesn't ask anything about me so I just thought it was natural for me to not ask anything about him, even though I know he would tell me without a second thought and I, him.
I think I've made it very clear how involved I want to be with these people, which is not at all. There have been many attempts to get me into their little clique but shudder at the thought of it. Can you imagine being with people with no moral compass or conscious outside of work on any basis? It's not worth the trouble, even if it does mean I'd have a friend or two, and even though the "nothing is certain" I am absolutely certain that these people, the people I see almost everyday; are people you (I) do not want to be involved with.
I just want to do whatever it is I have to do, and then go home to my family. Who would've thought that would be so hard?
"You alright, Sione? you seem... productive." - Kevin Le.
He was productive yesterday, too. I only asked because it happened again today. I'm not saying he's usually unproductive but usually, he's unproductive as fuck, and he whines, moans, bitches and does all the other things every human being on Earth does when they're at work, you know, that place both they and their employer agreed that they'd be but still find it appropriate to act as if the world owes them a favor or some shit. Apparently, he got himself a girlfriend. It still amazes me how much a person can change when they're one of those people who rely and depend on those who depend on them; people like Dante, people who are constantly in a relationship as if they're trying really hard to prove their worth or find extreme comfort in knowing that there's someone waiting for them to finish whatever it is they're doing so they can be around one another. A meaningful purpose to their life. I hope he keeps going the direction he's heading and it is looking that way but I wouldn't bet anything I own on it. It's not like I don't have faith in him or anything, it's more like I don't care because it doesn't directly affect me and my family. I've had other's having an issue with that, something along the lines of "that's not what you should think" or something like that and I would totally argue back but the things is; I don't care about them either, so it usually ends up with me walking away, doing my job and them standing there, not doing their's and yet I'm the asshole. Just do what it is you have to do and go then go home, it's like, the easiest thing in the world. Drama is literally optional.
You know what would be hilarious? gay-aussie dirty talk. I've googled it and (if I'm honest) a little afraid to click on any of the video that pops up. Can you imagine it though? everything single line would be something like "aw yeah, cum in me eyeballs, Gazza and plug me arsehole with that tallie, mate." Bam, suddenly, I'm a subscriber to "Hard n' Heavy Blokes" with a notepad scribbling down every line of gold I come across.
"Back when I was a kid, Mum and Dad were both in prison...." - Ryan Henderson. Despite the content of that quote, I don't think I've heard a more casual way to start a sentence.
You ever been in a really exhausted state, whether it'd be due to a run, workout or any other physical activity and some cunt that doesn't smell too fresh kinda just walks past you while you're breathing in and out really hard and you kinda just inhale that fucker's stench and it straight up ruins your day? yeah, nah. That shit is nasty, son. It's not even a harmless "smell" (if you want to be nice about it), this dude was literally emitting poison from himself, like yeah, I get that you've been doing some crazy and I even respect that but shit, where is the line, man? where's that point where you figure "I should probably stop passively killing people around me and go home" or something? Maybe they don't realize it and so I thought I was doing this dude a favor by saying "you got a dead rodent in your pocket or something, mate?" but he must've realized he didn't smell too flash because that was not a reaction you would have if you didn't know you smelt like an infested zoo in the desert, so he stayed around; as if to prove a point. I'll never understand that socially-agreed upon set of mannerisms people seem to have.
So Andy is better than me in rhythm games now. That might not sound like a big deal but rhythm games were one of the few things I prided myself on, well, I say rhythm games but I really mean "Stepmania" He's not a great deal better than me, but the difference is certainly noticeable. I've been in a mini-emotional breakdown since this discovery and it's starting to affect how I see Andy as a human being. Put bluntly; he's a piece of shit to me and I hope he breaks his fingers in some freak Stepmania incident, that bastard. As sad as this sounds, this just might be one of the most significant changes in my life in the last 2-3 years.
"you become a totally different person when you clock off, Kevin."
- Sekadarra Laurensen
I'm starting to think my 2 year break from this blog wasn't such a bad idea. Every so often, I would binge read past posts and it dawned on me that those posts were more about the people around me rather than what it was meant to be about: me. I'd bring up work and the people there, how I interacted with them and how they interacted with me, but really, none of that matters and no one really cares about that stuff, not even me, so it confused me as to why so much of the content back then was about shit that was more insignificant than the things that didn't matter. Maybe it was just my way of fattening up this sorry excuse of a blog, I guess I figured that if it had some variety, I could somehow deter the thoughts of those who read it but it's hard to get an answer from yourself 2 years ago, I discovered.
When I sign in to work, I do things with the most care and consideration I've ever done things before. I will plan out the most effective route and apply the most necessary man power to each task and do things better than anyone else is capable but when I sign out, I've been told that everything they saw before hand has been tossed out of the window :L My opinions become more brash and I say things that are on my mind with no further thought of possible repercussions. I didn't used to be like that. I remember it so clearly how optimistic I was in terms of working and helping others, even after I've been told to go home, that was how I ended up in the warehouse in the first place, I just got good at doing the shit no one else wanted to do, but the workplace has jaded me a little; a lot even. It's a lot safer to assume that there isn't one single decent human being with average morals and basic motor skills around you. It was the reason I stepped down from the manager position. It honestly amazes me how there are people who can trust other people whole-heartedly with a task despite knowing that their fuck up means your ass but I suppose it's only right that positions with high rewards only come with high risks, it's a shame that I can't bare to lose anything I have now, even if it means that I could accomplish my goals faster if I stuck my head out a little, but you know what they say "The nail that sticks out the most, gets hammered first." at least, that's how I see it.
You know, it's never been "see you later" or "see you soon" or anything like that anymore, this sort of farewell is the most accurate. There's no pressure or promise made and even though it's one of the more heartless farewells, it's the most preferable, to me anyway.
Sometime in gap when I stopped blogging til now, there was a time when I was invited to a spit roast. I remember it so clearly because the only thing that stood out to me was how much I was looking forward to it, I mean, I can't imagine anyone who would bother to go to a spit roast and not look forward to the actual spit roast but at the same time, a person like that wouldn't surprise me, there seem to be a lot of people that I can't make sense of. The entire event was revolved around the roast. It was a small gathering, maybe 10 or 12 people, half of which I've never met. It didn't matter how nice they seemed, what mattered was the roast, afterall, it was the only reason I even left the house. I must've waited 2 hours when I arrived an hour after the roast was meant to be ready. As childish as this seems, I got extremely annoyed and left due to my impatience. I know I didn't leave a very good impression but it's rare that I ever do. The host attempted to apologize but then I threatened to punch him right in his over-promising, unprepared, stupid face and then he let me go. It's insane how you expect the bare minimum to nothing and you're still disappointed. I remembered how he tried to make amends the day after and I shot him down faster than a coloured guy in the 1800's. Can't be disappointed if you don't give them a chance.
Sorry, I got a little side-tracked with this story.
The main point of this post was how I ended up in possession of this hair clip belonging to Squishy that night and ever since then, I've been meaning to give it back to her, putting it in my pocket everytime I walked around Inala doing my rounds of crappy Inala food and coffee. I can't even remember how long ago it was. I woke up this morning to do a removal for a nice, old lady over at Brassall. She didn't have many belongings, most of which was already packed in boxes and ready to go. A 2 hour job and suddenly, I had the rest of the day to myself. I went to check up on Mumsies and even though it was also Bobby's day off, he's never away from her, I feel relieved knowing that even on his downtime, he'd rather be with Mumsies than say; gambling all the family's savings away and secretly marrying another woman overseas, plotting to sell the house to get enough funds to bring said-wife to Australia, effectively ruining every life involved. Fucking load off my shoulders.
The visit must've only been 10 minutes and then I set off again. While waiting at the traffic light, my attention was drawn to the hair clip and then I made my way to Denne's house. I was lucky to catch him while he was at home, I didn't want to hang on to anything that didn't belong to me any longer than I had to and so I took this chance to see if I still had the ability to hold a decent conversation with another human being without having the urge to beat them up with their own belongings and as it turns out; I can, but I suppose it depends on the person I'm having the conversation with.
We spoke about the things you'd expect to talk about to someone you haven't seen in years: Past mutual friends, relationships, careers, and how much has changed since the last time you met, as well as the amazing and dumb shit you've done, you know, the things that you'd think make a good story one day. I went home and he went to pick up Squishy, they even invited me to dinner tonight but I turned down their offer not because I didn't want to go, but because I think I've decided to stay away from people who aren't my family for the time being. It's hard to explain but I don't want to be in an area where I don't have full control of the situation. These past few years have really taken a toll on my way of thinking. I hope it's a phase as much as I hope it isn't.
