Chocolate Jesus

Hahahaha, I meant to talk about something, and I've forgotten what it was. I've remembered what it is again, but I've also forgotten and that's what adult life is like most of the time, I find.
Not only have I worsened my forgetfulness, I've also lost the ability to stay up for a number of hours people might claim only insane individuals can achieve. I can only assume it'll only go downhill from here so I'll make an effort to remember what I've forgotten from now on, though I'm pretty sure I'll forget I said I'll make an effort to remember the forgotten.

I think after that after high school, you eventually come to terms with yourself. The frequent mandatory gathering of people whom you love and dislike have stopped, granting you time to realize what seemed like a daily ritual has ceased and how fast time can go by. No one is used to it at first and this kind of change happens quite frequently but we're never prepared for the transition we've just finished.

Run home.

"My mind is one world,

Everything outside is another."
- Some dude on reddit.

I can never be able to remember my dreams but when I do it's only by dot point form. I had a dream recently, I remember it well because I'll never forget how happy I when I woke up. There was a long road and next to this road was a type of shed, in this shed was another path made entirely out of dirt and trees as far as the eye can see, not exactly a serene place but it can't be considered an ugly place either. At the end of the dirt path there was a landmark but I can't for the life of me remember what it was...
My older brother was there but he had to go and left his car with me and I somehow lost the fucking car. How does that even happen ? I lost a car the size of a bedroom right under my nose. I remember how badly I shit myself in the dream, I ran the entire path and exited the shed only to find parts of the car lying on the ground, I contemplated leaving the fucking country and never returning, that was how scared I was. By the time I reached the main road, my alarm woke me up and I was in tears, a mix of tears from the aftermath of which a brick that exited my body via my butthole and tears of joy. I woke up and immediately looked for the car, the relief I felt when I saw that Dante's car was next to my room was indescribable. I ran to Dante and fell on my side, he still has no idea what the fuck happened.

It's kinda nice to know that the most fear I've ever felt came from a dream. It's not like normal people who go through fears that derive from serious situations like parental divorce or something similar but at the same time, it's kinda pathetic.

Run Home - Dumbfoundead

Blue

"Sit down, 

You've got your whole life to waste."

Hey, if the air is transparent, why is the sky blue ? It's the same with the sea, the water is so crisp and clear and yet when we call it the "sea" it inevitably turns blue. Where does the blue come from ? In the end, it doesn't matter. It gives an some kind of aura of serenity when you're given the opportunity to think about things like that, you tend to get carried away and start to think about things in a much greater scale, each thought significantly smaller than the next. I could spend my entire life pondering the sheer awe in which the world grants us with but in doing so, I might not be using my time efficiently enough, not that I think that there's anything wrong with that, we've been given the freedom to do whatever we want, however we want it, even if we're told otherwise. Being told you shouldn't do something isn't the same as being told you can't and being told you can't do something usually means you shouldn't so no matter what you're told it doesn't help when fulfilling your personal desires. Doubt is one of the worse things to come across your mind, it is the source of self consciousness and self consciousness branches in a whole array of negative emotions the world would do much better without.

I've also been told that negative emotions are just as important as positive ones. Becoming depressed gives you a chance to reflect in great depth, allowing yourself to vent out the things you've pented up inside, it definitely is a wonderful sentiment but I'm sure there are other ways in doing the same without having to go through unpleasant emotions.

Smile.

"In actuality, we all die.
The goal isn't to live forever,
The goal is to create something that will."

I'm thankful for arguments. I didn't notice til a while ago that to argue with someone is a form of making up with them and what is better than an argument when it comes to proving your point, expressing your views and opening up to someone else ? After an argument, it's all about initiative, eventually one person will come up to another and make up and I don't think it's because of the valued relationship, it's simply because we're human, some people like to leave things hanging and not see them to the end but even those people can't stand things like that. A small amount of empathy can go a long way. If you flip things around though, what would happen if you met someone you can't get into an argument with ? now that, is what I find scary.

Shut cho face, Wang Chong

" The future will come by itself

Progress will not."

I'm extremely selfish. Even though I tell myself I've had an amazing school life (don't get me wrong though, it was awesome) I don't think anyone can truly be satisfied with what they've been through. There are so many ways you could have done it and you pick the one that suits you best, but it's not until it's over that you start to think differently, I know I did everything I wanted to, I know I did it how I wanted to but it's a little sad to know that it will never, ever come back. When I graduated, I didn't just graduate from the school, but I graduated from the people I knew, I graduated from the habits I had and graduated from the thoughts I often thought of. If all those were still with me, then I'd be satisfied that I haven't changed but it's so blatantly obvious to me that it's not the case. There's always been something refreshing about change, it happens so suddenly but at the same time, so subtly but to be honest, I'd like things to stay the way they were just because of the off chance that things might change for the worse, then again, I don't think I was ever given the right to complain, to be picky or to have a say in what happens. There have always been an upside in every single situation, I find.

Truth is

"If you can't get someone off your mind,

they're probably supposed to be there."

I'm pretty damn gullible. My older brother and I had a interesting talk with my mum over dinner tonight, somehow Mother's day was brought up and my brother giggled :L He asked if I remembered mother's day when I was in grade one, I didn't. Apparently on Mother's day some 12 odd years ago, Dante had bought my mum a bar a soap for Mother's day, sounded like something he'd do :L Mum had taken the gift and put it on the soap dish for casual use. Luck would have it that Dante and I would bath together and he convinced me that that bar of soap was really a bar of white chocolate. He and mum pressured me to take a massive chunk in my mouth, so I did. Those days were the best, It's pretty unfortunate that I remember so little but I do remember how badly I didn't want to grow up, I still don't. Growing old is mandatory, growing up isn't.

There was another time where I attempted to hatch an egg using my butt cheeks, I was told I tried this because of a cartoon I watched like, seconds before :L I stole an egg from the fridge then ran upstairs to my mum's bed, I sat on the thing and it practically exploded all over the bed and my buttocks hahahaha.

Looking back on my recent posts, I've come to notice how much of a depressing bitch I've been sounding lately, I don't know if it's because it's difficult to grasp attitude from text but I just wanted the readers (if there are any) that I'm not so childish that I'd vent my problems onto absolute randoms, I wouldn't even do it to my friends and family, but the input of a complete stranger is more often than sometimes more helpful than those who you've known all your life.

tl:dr I ate soap and crushed an egg with my ass.

Good talk, Kevin. 

Shit could be worse.

"Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful
without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too ?"

I am a giant douchebag. I think when it comes to how you see people, no one deserves a second chance. You are who you are because of the way you portray/portrayed yourself. It's pretty difficult to change your perspective of someone once they've fucked up. Wanna read about my fuck up ?

I remember when I was a kid, I was so spoiled, even more than I am now, and that's pretty damn spoiled. My family would live in luxurious houses and I was completely oblivious to how hard many others had it. I would have people hate me due to the way I was, back then I could feel the segregation from me to them, just like now I couldn't understand their point of view, only back then I didn't ignore it. I've had family tell me that I made fun of people for being poor and less fortunate. It's ridiculous, I know. As a kid that was raised in such a manner, social awkwardness was something else that formed in my mentally deranged mind, making me the ultimate shit stirrer/crybaby/ignorant/obnoxious/cocky tool I've ever known. At one point my family owned a dog, a really clever dog that went by the name "D.J" (I still have no idea what that stood for)

A baby black German Shepard that grew in a hurry, he knew how to shake hands and fetch but being the massive asshole I was, I didn't treat him very well, I'd even go as far as to say I treated him like dirt, probably worse than dirt. I never knew the value of life and neglected the wonder that just wanted to play. When my dad abused him, I felt no guilt, sympathy nor empathy. When I abused him, it was the same. The way we treated D.J caused him to run amok and cause trouble around the neighborhood, whether it be biting pedestrians or shagging a random dog down the street. The government came to see us personally and we had to put him down. At the time, my mum was overseas only to come back to a dogless home. I didn't get why she cried but I knew she was the only one who looked after D.J properly and so I was given a small taste of reality.

In hindsight there are quite a bit of things I wish I did differently but whether I feel that way or not it doesn't matter. There was never a point in getting sad and worked up over something you can't change now. If it weren't for all of that I would not be able to sit here and type all this, so in sense, I'm really, really grateful; as fucked up as that sounds. I try to stand by the words I remember, even if I saved the world, I'm still a cunt so looking at the circumstances I'm in at the moment seems like a great fortune has been bestowed upon me and it has. Being treated like dirt can't bother me either.

I miss the shit out of that dog.

Rest in Peace. D.J

I'm sorry.

"Ignorance really is bliss."

I never really understood religion. Not too long ago I had a friend talk to me about her beliefs and I was totally cool with it, I think it's a form of contentment to acknowledge the beliefs of every individual so as far as I was concerned, I was yes-man for the start of the conversation, that is until she asked me if I believed in God. Now, I'm not a religious person, I think I was at a point but a massive block of shit hit an even bigger fan so my parents never really exposed that side of society to me any further. I told her what I thought and at first, she seemed pretty cool with it and I was relieved to an extent, but that was pretty short-lived. She then wanted to show me something "interesting", it was a written conversation between a scientist/professor and a student who is religious, it became painfully apparently to me that she was trying to convert me into believing a God. I would never neglect the existence of an omnipotent being but I like to believe things after I see it. After I told her what I wanted to tell her, she asked if we could drop the conversation; another thing I don't understand about those kind of people is why they would start something and not see it through to the end.

Looking back now I guess I pushed a little too far and now neither of us can see each other in the same light ever again.

I guess the point that I'm trying to relay here is that the less you know about your friends, the easier it is to get along. I don't like asking personal questions simply because I don't want to know something I might have an issue with but at the same time, I don't mind being asking personal questions. I guess life is just more enjoyable if you just stop doing the things you think will bring you happiness and just be happy.

When I was in high school I seriously thought there was something wrong with me since I had all these contradicting traits, there probably is something wrong with me but at least I feel good about them.

good talk, Kevin
#Gblockrep

Glad to be born

"And then I realized, I just don't give a fuck."

I used to wonder why people stress. I used to wonder about a lot of things til up about year 11 and more often than sometimes they would flutter back and stay in my head when I see certain people or talk about certain things. I'm pretty sure I still wonder why people stress :L why they do the things they do, why they feel anger, sadness, frustration over the smallest things but now I find it troubling to care. Whenever you force yourself into another's situation and help, you end up doing things that are very out-of-character and when you're asked "hey, what happened to you ?" or told "you've changed, bro" you instantly jump back and most people deny that sorta thing. You don't have to be told you've changed to actually notice it, maybe you've been just you and they're only discovering that now or maybe you really have changed, you just don't realize how you want to turn out until the change is already done. This was just one of the things I used to wonder about but now that I have a blog I think these kinda things will drag out more and more. I'm not looking forward to remembering how I was but typing it up on this might do me some good in far future.

Get ready to read some really fucked up shit.
I've never been the type of person who would hide information about myself, maybe I was and didn't realize it til now. Woah, Deja Vu, hardout.

Fuckparade

"Why would you stop dreaming when you wake up ?"

It's amazing how things just piece together, no matter how well I prepare myself for it, I'm always gobsmacked at how much sense is suddenly shoved down my throat only to have it come back up again and into another. It's one of those things that you will treasure and keep in your mind constantly for the rest of your life cause it will impact how you approach everything, especially people. I'm certain in the back of everyone's mind they also know this but to have it worded out so perfectly is Nobel-prize worthy in my opinion as it will change the way I've been treating and thinking about certain people. I'm glad I found this out when I did because some people don't deserve what they've been given. The irony in how I found out even baffles me, It's almost like people knew what I was always thinking, of course I'd tell them if they had asked but I'm pretty certain no one did.

Greed.

"There are some people who live in a dream world,

and there are some who face reality;

and then there are those who turn one into the other."

I had a little look-see around the blogs I have access to and it seems that having post titles named after the 7 sins is a popular cliche among the blogging community and I guess I can see why. The non-creative/original bunch (such as myself) use this cliche so we have 7 days where we don't need to think of a title for each post; well, that's why I did it at least but hey, if people didn't do it then it wouldn't be a cliche.

Hey, how do you think you're supposed to lead your life ?
would it make sense to believe that since life is a fleeting moment that will eventually come to pass in an insignificant amount of time that you should do what you can when you want ?
or do you think that it's because your life is so small that you should forget stress, shame, belief, sadness and initiation because such things would just pile more trouble in your life ?
perhaps it's a mixture of the two now that I think about it. I've been told being too laid back is disadvantageous long term and I can see where they're coming from but it really is too good to stop, and to change from one thing to another entirely in a short amount of time would be pretty difficult.
It's not that I'm questioning how people prefer to live their lives, it's just that there's so many beliefs, tradition and customs that to me, it seems more easier if everyone had just ignored them, as offensive as that sounds.

This is why I don't like thinking, there are too many loopholes in the way I think.
In one hand I want to wing life and say things like "ignore belief, tradition and customs" but in reality, it's those exact things that have shaped me and everyone else into what they are and I'm extremely grateful to them. In the end it's usually best to acknowledge things just the way they are. 

Wrath

"I used to wonder why birds choose to stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere in the world
But then I asked myself the same question."

Even though I don't have anything to say at first, these things just naturally flow out as you begin to type, then you realize that there is too much to type about and then you get stumped as to what you want to talk about as opposed to what you should talk about.

Whenever I lay down on my bed or couch or whatever, I would always end up thinking about things, whether the things I think about are good or bad are irrelevant but the fact that I'm even thinking is pretty bad in itself. I end up watching old re-runs of classic movies or find an anime to watch, I don't know why I don't like thinking, I guess it's a way of entertaining myself or an effective way of keeping my hopes to the ground. I don't think it's particularly good in a social sense but so far, it's working pretty well. If I do lay down it's usually to go to sleep or with earphones because music is medicine for everything.

I'm starting to realize that this blog is mostly about me, not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just that it was not what was gunning for when I started this blog. I don't even know what I was gunning for, I guess talking about myself isn't what would interest people but to me, a blog isn't about entertainment for others rather a library filled with wonderful stories that would eventually be forgotten by everyone. Whenever I talk about myself, it feels like I'm boasting and that just makes me want to punch myself in the balls but in a blog, it comes so naturally that I'm worried I might end up doing stuff like this in real life.

Envy

"Well done is better than well said."

Don't recall anything in particular about today.. I find myself staying up a lot later than I hoped for, as a result I don't wake up until about 2-3 in the afternoon, it's not exactly a good habit to get into but if I didn't want to do it, then I wouldn't do it :L ahhhh, now there's a good subject to touch up on.

Isn't it strange how you end up talking to people who complain about something they have complete control of ? I'm never certain how to deal with things like that. Do I tell them ? or do I ignore them ? either way, I find it's something that cannot be explained with logic. You're either lying or incredibly stupid and I really doubt it's the latter.

Come to think of it, I don't think I've explained what the name for my blog means. The word "Trill" is a conjugation of the words "True" and "Real", a word that I like to reflect on every now and again. I don't think there's ever a situation where it's good to lie, not even if it's a white lie. A lie is usually the reason why things go to shit, it's usually the reason why there are bad things in general, it could even be the push needed to initiate something terrible but the opposite is also true, the only difference is, you can't get in trouble for telling the truth and if you do, you're chilling at the wrong spot, fella.

Lust

"You got this."

I'm not quite sure what to say anymore. I had thought that having a blog would be the perfect way to recover otherwise unrecoverable memories, you know, the small things you'd usually wouldn't remember in particular since it didn't leave much of an impact on your life, but even with a blog, I don't seem to talk about my day that often, rather, I write down what goes through my head even though it might not be much.

Every now and again I would be invited to hang with a group of unfamiliar people, I respectfully decline on the basis that I might not be able to "click" well with the group. It's just something I feel might happen and it would be better if I didn't have to deal with any misinterpretations but in the back of my mind I wonder if it really is better if I didn't give them a chance based on assumptions. The answer should be obvious but there's something about hanging with the wrong group that I'm afraid of. It makes me even more grateful to the people I've met no matter how insignificant their roles might've been, they all played a giant part in this life.

Sloth.

"When work feels overwhelming, remember that you're going to die."

Today was the last day of work, multiple companies are shutting down due to a political decision and the company that hosted the project we just finished happens to be one of them, so as of today, I am officially unemployed, as are 5000-7000 others. Unfortunate, yes but hey, what can you do ? 

I'll miss working with the people there, they all had traits about them that were rare and admirable, I hope a good amount of people in the working industry are like that, my main concern is being grouped together with people I can't click with. If you're going to have to do something, you might as well enjoy it. So I said my good-byes, shook hands with some of the most influential people I've ever met and would hope to have the pleasure of meeting again sometime, had a barbecue and away I went. If I ever had the chance to work with those people again, I would drop everything I was doing and go in a heartbeat :L

These last 5 months have been nice to me. Even though I say I lived it as much as I can, in the end, I'll still miss it, It's kinda like a certain amount of selfishness is in everyone in that sense, no matter how humble a person may be, one of the many traits that make us human.

Gluttony.

"The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese."

Every so often, I would go through my chat logs on MSN, it's not something I particularly find strange but I seem to be the only one who does it :L the amount of times it's helped me kill time and contemplate what was going through their mind as they were talking to me is uncountable. I really did enjoy every single conversation and it'd get my hopes up cause I'd think there would be a next time really soon. I'm not so much as a child that I'd hold a grudge against anyone who suddenly stopped the conversations since I'm not the one who takes the initiative simply because I won't know if I'm being a bother to them, but it's a good reminder that if there's something you want in life, you have to grab it by the balls and really pull them off.
I won't go as far as to say that I miss our conversations but there's definitely something like that there.

There are so many thoughts that go into a conversation that I can't be bothered to decipher each one even though I would go out of my way to re-read my conversations just to get that false sense of fulfillment as if it really were something we did everyday and by "we" I'm not directing it to anyone in particular, it's just something I whole-heartedly enjoyed doing with whoever had the time and consideration to talk to someone like me. This is something I hold dear deep down and it's something I cannot thank you enough.

Pride

"Too much good stuff is bad stuff...?"

I can't stand the same sight of something too often. I made it a habit to change the things around me from time to time, a habit I picked up from my mother, so I'm digging my room's new look but it's not going to last long :L just like everything else.

There was always a family gag saying I was adopted or they found me in a trash can aiming to make me feel sad or depressed, but wouldn't hearing something like that make you feel incredibly fortunate ? If by chance I stumbled upon my family's hands and ended up where I am today, being able to see the things I saw and feel the things I've felt isn't so much something I'd be depressed or sad about but rather an insight as to see who's got it good and who's got is worse. I wonder if that's how religion came about...

A Bumming thought.

" I follow my own rules. No one else's.
Not even my own."

Isn't it strange how we never hold the people around us as tight as we should ?

It gets extremely frustrating when you can't word your emotions the way you want, simply because you feel it'd be either too embarrassing or too out-of-character of yourself. I really hope that there will be a day where I will tell exactly everyone how much they mean to me, although from their perspective, they've just been doing their thing but that's exactly what I want to thank them for, perhaps one day I'll be given that chance. I'll push all my uneasiness aside cause some things are meant to be said and the chance to tell them might slip away. It's unnerving but it's something no one can prove wrong and in all honesty, it scares me.

After high school graduation, these chances have been appearing less and less often and I don't blame anyone other than myself, not taking the effort to keep relationships is a common regret I see a lot of people make, at the time however, it seemed to be the best thing to do but what were to happen if they were to vanish one day ?
suddenly everything flips and a feeling of remorse engulfs your entire being. Yeah, I kinda don't want that to happen. 

Of course even if you say what you want to say, the remorse will still be there but at least the regret won't.

Was it out of pity ?

"What do I fear ?

I fear stagnation and lack of progress.

I fear never reaching my potential and being average.

I fear being forgotten.... The past... Yesterday's news.

I fear giving up and being passed by, going softly into that good night.

I fear letting those I love down, letting myself down.

I fear settling, giving in to the "that's just the way it is" mindset.

I fear dying without leaving my mark.

I fear not feeling these fears anymore and just floating along.

These fears feed me, they nourish my drive.

I love my fear."

Well I'll be damned, he actually paid up, I'm pretty sure he knows I know that he knows that he's a complete bullshitter, this dawned on me a long time ago but it wasn't until he asked to borrow money that he started to be a little nice to me and that tells me that he doesn't want to be neglected out of the fear of not knowing where to go afterwards. People can so tolerant, it's definitely a trait I admire, no matter how many times I think about it, I don't think I can let big things go the way some do, not just to a certain extent but it's almost like they completely forgot it ever happened. I really hope it's just a blind eye and not something they actually forgave. The world has a strange and wonderful of giving people what they deserve.

Ah fuck it, fuck you, Jack
even though I had almost nothing to do with the major fuck up of 2011, I think there's some unfinished business floating about. 

10 Rounds

"The smallest good deed is better than the grandest good intention"

The picture above has a story to it apparently. It played quite a major role in a certain someone's life; said he felt "calm" whenever he saw it. He was recently in an incident where he lost both his parents and it was thanks to this picture that he didn't lose it, can't say I feel the same but there isn't a doubt on my mind that it certainly is a beautiful image, kinda makes me wonder about how pictures and other forms of art can convey powerful to no meaning depending on the person who is exposed to them, it sounds like a make-believe thing but I don't think it's entirely false, but even if it was I hope I never know. They say ignorance is bliss and it's something I've unintentionally lived by. That small sense of hope knowing that there's always something to fall back on when shit goes down is what courage and confidence derives from, for some it could be art or music, for others it could be a hobby, either way not everyone is different, I would even go as far as to say that we're all the same.

Whoever ends up reading this is going to have one hard fucking time trying to figure out if it's really me typing all this jibber-jabber and I can't say I blame you. Haccao is one helluva drug.